SMUD

How to use SMUD

2010-12-05T15:51:00.004-05:00

It's been a while since we've consistently flooded your webspace with useless information. Here's a quick refresher on how best to enjoy SMUD:

a) unzip your pants and take out your ring balogna
b) pull back your fur coat to expose your doinker switch apparatus
c) take a bottle of pale cat urine in one hand and spray it liberally, all over your eyeballs
7) throw yourself into a basket of freshly laundered clothing
h) call someone you don't know and yell at them really loud!

What people are saying about SMUD:

"Great stuff! It smells like my grandmother's chest of drawers where she used to keep all of her candles that smelled like things that smell similar to SMUD."

It's great to be back...We're here all century!

Hamdy's Luxury Rickshaw Palace

2010-11-28T11:58:00.003-05:00

SMUD is now a proud sponsor of Hamdy's Luxury Rickshaw Palace! Here are this week's tasty used specials!

Did You Bring The Magic Weasel Fluid?

2010-08-15T10:00:00.005-04:00

It's been a while since we played Who Am I...shall we play? I'm a maggot. You win!

Who am I?

I smell like eagle feces and I have an old cellphone collection under my bed. Who am I?
Tina Fey

I'm dead.. no wait, I'm NOT dead, I like triangles and my hair is a different shape every 5 minutes. Who am I?
Benjamin Franklin

I have gold teeth, a bathrobe with a dead falcon embroidered on the back and I steal peanut butter from the grocery store. Who am I?
Johnny Carson

I harvest dandelions out of season, breathe coal dust through a copy of the Youngstown Gazette and live under a rusty wagon. Who am I?
If you guessed Shawn Desman, you'd be right if I only knew who that was, but it is actually William Shatner's wife Elizabeth

I'm a gay giraffe who owns a Quizno's franchise and drives a Volkswagen Scirocco. Who am I?
Shania Twain

I've exist only as an ink drawing, carry a microphone with a picture of a dishwasher on it everywhere and eat only foods that begin with the letter 8. Who am I?
Stephen Hawking

I know, I know, that last one was really tough, but if I had said 'runs a brothel' you would have guessed way too easily. Thanks for playing!

Grandma's Foxy Wallet

2010-07-19T21:23:00.001-04:00

One day, an old man was skiing through the mouse trap aisle in a local Kmart, when he came upon a large orange dumpster. Being curious, he dug around inside, and to his surprise, he found an empty tube of Chapstick brand freon expectorant! He quickly stuffed it into a vest pocket before anyone noticed. Boy, was he a lucky guy! He then finished his jaunt, slamming head-long into several Latvian people in the garden hose & Bactine section of the store before hurrying home to inspect his great find.

En route, he stopped at his bank no less than 11 times to pick up some crumpled pieces of aluminum foil to throw out of his car window. Finally arriving home, he drove his car through the back yard fence and into his neighbor's in-ground pool. The family dog, Steve, was mildly amused, but was probably only reminiscing about urinating or defecating on something or other.

The old man whispered to himself; "Is it WalMart?" He sat on his front porch for a long time, pondering the question -- mostly because he couldn't get into the house. His keys hadn't come back from the bus shelter factory yet.

Suddenly, he remembered his treasure! The Chapstick!! "Oh boy!" he thought, "My legs are all sweaty!" He pulled out the plastic tube, turning it over in his hands. It glinted seductively in the late afternoon sun. He rubbed it gently against his hiking boots. "I don't think I've ever had so much fun!" he thought to himself.

Next, he practiced placing the tube into and taking it out of his vest pocket, just to be sure he had the procedure down cold, in case he was espied by a jealous onlooker. "There..." he said to no one in particular, "now, I'm going to kill myself." He ambled out to his mailbox and smashed his head into it until he passed out -- the Chapstick rolling slowly into a nearby storm drain.

Uh oh! No more trips to the bakery!

Ugly Advice Woman

2010-06-09T00:01:00.001-04:00

Hi, I'm Ugly Advice Woman, and I'm here to answer your questions.

You might be wondering why I would allow myself to be referred to as, Ugly Advice Woman. Actually, I don't even exist. I am simply an intrinsic entity that exists inside every living being, including staplers and ham sandwiches.

How to Submit a Question

Go to http://formspring.me/uglyadvicewoman

You can also follow me on Twitter @uglyadvicewoman

You’re free to submit as many questions as you want, but please submit each question as a separate message. Also, please include nothing but the question in your message.

What will you answer questions about?

You can ask me any question you'd like. Since I don't exist, I know everything. Feel free to ask questions about: mayonnaise, conveyor belts, 1976, Haiti, vacuum cleaners, ear wax, gravy, golf shoes, Texas, ceramic heaters, people named Hector, schools for people with 33 legs, and so on.

There are some topics that you can safely assume I will not be able to talk about!

For example. I cannot answer questions regarding the secret to helium. However, if you yourself are an ugly woman, you probably already know what it is...

Just a few other things:

I will not email you if I answer your question. You must visit my formspring page to find out if your question has been answered. I receive over 3 million questions a day!

Please try to keep your question under 17 syllables.

Organic Lint Marathon

2010-04-17T09:31:00.001-04:00

Urban Pencil Inspector

2009-08-28T07:09:00.002-04:00

Syndicated Knitting Needles

2009-07-29T10:20:00.002-04:00

Best of SMUD: Concert Listings
Concert Listings: March 16-22, 2008
Concert Listings: Dates TBA
Concert Listings: April 27, 2008
Not Now Playing Ever Again
4 Concerts You Forgot To Go To in 1972

Linguini Hotel

2009-07-28T10:10:00.000-04:00

If the names of credit cards replaced expletives:

My CitiBanking knee feels like it's going to saute some root vegetables in a rich broth made of discarded bicycle tires and fermented cockroach semen! Now, I can't go home at lunch because I have a Discovering meeting with some Japanese kabuki American Expressers after colon massage hour.

Chase Manhattan!!!!!!!

How to Pull Your Car Over for Police

2009-07-27T11:00:00.000-04:00

Introduction

If you've ever been pulled over by a lepidopterist, then it's clear that you have a bad case of ‘helicopter legs.’ Regardless the reason, you'll fare better by passing a couple of kidney stones and then hiding in the root cellar.

Instructions

Difficulty: Damn near impossible.

Steps

1) Pull off the road into a steep ditch so that you can maneuver your car into the mandatory upside-down position. Climb into the trunk and remain there unless you have a bachelor’s degree in calligraphy.

2) Roll down the passenger's side window with your foot. Keep your hands moving rapidly by pretending to play a set of invisible bongos.

3) Show him your tattoo of Abraham Lincoln. The officer's stern demeanor isn't personal. He just hates everyone, including himself.

4) Advise the officer immediately if you are carrying any dairy products. Some states have "carry laws," which grant permits to infringe upon the rights of lactose intolerant people.

5) Be vague. Answer all questions asked by the officer with "I think it’s made of polyurethane."

6) Fling your hazardous materials license out the window, Frisbee style. When the cop says "Why the hell did you do that?" tell him "Because it smelled like your mom’s panties."

7) Act stupid and switch moods frequently, even if you're angry or frustrated about being pulled over. If you still receive a citation, say "Want to come over to my house for some Band-Aids and shit popsicles?"

Tips & Warnings

If you feel a citation is unreasonable, you can always start your car and speed away without accepting it. Be sure to go really fast.
Don't advise the officer on how to do his job. Just keep reminding him that you pay taxes so he can get a freakin’ paycheck every week!
Get out of your vehicle and run towards the officer.
Shout, curse, argue or otherwise be disrespectful. It might get you punched in the face.
Attempt to outrun the police. You may get away and then you can call your mom and brag about it.
If you have a weapon or an implement that could cause injury (e.g., a bag of half-eaten Fritos brand corn chips), quickly hide it under your seat in the most obvious manner possible. When asked what you were doing, say "Sewing the seeds of discontent!"

Three-Legged Sedan

2009-07-25T10:32:00.002-04:00

Bipolar Giraffe Wardrobe

2009-07-24T15:00:00.000-04:00

Chuckle Sprouts

2009-07-23T21:16:00.002-04:00

The Zh Sound

2009-07-11T09:09:00.002-04:00

From The Diary of Dave Saylight

2009-03-08T12:18:00.004-04:00

"Daylight Savings Time doesn't really impact me on a Sunday. I get up late anyway. I just hate it when it happens on a Wednesday. Wednesday is hump day!"
~ Chris Farley

"Daylight Savings Time is ruining my life! I hate you!"
~ Dr. Phil McGraw

"Where is everybody?"
~ Rev. Jesse Jackson

"I've had it with Daylight Savings Time. I'm moving to Arizona!"
~ John McCain

"I woke up this morning and didn't realize it was 1981. Damn, Daylight Savings Time!"
~ Freddie Mercury

"Daylight Savings Time can go suck it!"
~ Courtney Love

Battery Calibration Clinic

2009-02-10T12:00:00.000-05:00

Odorless Hybrid Telephone

2009-02-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

Malignant Pony Handrail

2009-02-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

Arthritic Trout Panties

2009-02-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

Candied Cabbage Code

2009-01-16T12:00:00.000-05:00

You Can't Give Advice To A Dead Panda Bear

2009-01-15T12:00:00.001-05:00

Planes Trains And Commuter Glue

2009-01-14T12:00:00.001-05:00

Airplane Glue And The Commuter Train Incident

2009-01-13T12:00:00.000-05:00

The Rabid Goose And The Dead Badger

2009-01-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

Portuguese Fan Blade Welder

2009-01-10T12:00:00.000-05:00

Ice Wine and Pocket Lint

2009-01-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

California Is All Out Of Envelopes

2009-01-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

Guernsey Mutation

2009-01-04T12:00:00.001-05:00

Juniper Sand Castles

2009-01-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

Square Peanut Butter Vacuum Bags

2009-01-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

701 Ways to Get Your Grandmother To Stop Chewing on Formica

2009-01-01T12:00:00.005-05:00

Where are they now?

Leonard Nimoy, star of 'Dancing with Latex Mittens,' has been seen recently wearing trousers and trimming his unsightly moustache with Kevin Broomassembler, lead guitarist of the supergroup Necrotic Wasabi. Leo is also scheduling a globe trotting book tour in support of a letter he just received marked 'occupant.'

Sally Field has been tapped as the chef of a new Asian cuisine show coming to the Liverwurst Network called 'The Frying Hun.' She is also experiencing some throat irritation and likes to ferment hand lotion during vernal equinox.

World renown rap artist and SMUD comic celebrity Bill has returned from a 27 year hiatus in Tibet, where he was learning how to touch himself without thinking about weird geometric shapes. His next undertaking will be as a prestigious Cheerio's test clinician for the General Mills company in Poindexter, AL.

According to our sources, Jerry Lewis is actually NOT dead as of this writing. In fact, he is embarking on a new career as a professional lint juggler and part-time caucasian lawn care specialist.

Beef Free Taxi Cab

2008-12-31T12:00:00.000-05:00

Quick, hurry, before everything changes into something else, let's play:

What Am I?

I weigh 11 pounds. What am I?

John Candy

(Figures are approximate since he's dead.)

When you're near me, you'll detect the scent of bacon. I live on artichokes and like to collect used pencils. What am I?
a 48 tonne giraffe with a broken leg

(Do asterisks bite?)

I drool a lot, wear a loin cloth wherever I go and like marinated beef jerky. What am I?
The cast of Riverdance

(You should have learned Spanish by now. Check?)

I'm decidedly European, prefer men with facial hair and am often seen naked on horseback. What am I?
A can opener

(QWERTYUIOP!)

Avuncular Meat Puppet

2008-12-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

Heirloom Curmudgeon

2008-12-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

4 Concerts You Forgot To Go To In 1972

2008-12-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

Earl Haqqaq & The 63# Nasal Discharge Unit featuring Mya Tulips on the organ
Free baby gorilla for everyone under the influence of carborundum.

Major Urinal Turnpike Accelerators
They wear fleece and are quite itchy! Get here early - calamine lotion is limited.

'Nana' Cowper & The Fantasmagorical Coat Rack Simpletons
If you're hit by a piece of flying debris, you get to beep the horn!

Kawasaki Mango & The Unacceptably Bathed Rest Home Maniacs
Tear gas will be released at 6 o'4L1. Get here early. There's only one chair.

Sardonic Brain Kleenex

2008-12-27T10:00:00.000-05:00

Praetorian Wetsuit

2008-12-26T20:37:00.001-05:00

Lean Back and Smell

2008-12-25T06:00:00.000-05:00

Left Turn Leopard

2008-12-24T12:00:00.000-05:00

Radiology Semantics

2008-12-23T10:00:00.000-05:00

Sacramental Slacks

2008-12-20T09:10:00.001-05:00

Absolute Ham Dance

2008-12-13T12:35:00.002-05:00

Black Olive Catastrophe

2008-12-12T20:43:00.002-05:00

Gravel Babies

2008-12-10T10:00:00.001-05:00

Scandanavian Popsicle Thief

2008-12-09T21:00:00.005-05:00

When you go to the store, you put on your "going to the store" act. Come on. Everyone does it. Just admit it. You walk in there and you talk to the clerk in a manner that you would not speak to anyone else with. "HI I DON'T KNOW YOU, AND I'M GOING TO TALK TO YOU WITH MY I DON'T KNOW YOU PERSONA."

Funny thing is, your "I don't know you" persona is such that even if the clerk in the store wasn't using their "I don't know you persona" as well, and thinking "HI I DON'T KNOW YOU BUT IF YOU BUY THAT PACK OF SMOKES, I'M SUPPOSED TO CONVINCE YOU TO BUY A LIGHTER FOR 20% OFF EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE 20% OFF BUTTON IS ON THE CASH REGISTER!", they wouldn't even want to get to know you anyways.

This is why people remain estranged to one another, and it is also why people in the Philippines are 327% more allergic to tomatoes than they were in the year 2036.

Fontina Backrub

2008-12-08T22:25:00.003-05:00

Today's comic features a cameo appearance by Chef Jimmy from Parakeets Ate My Condo. He is hiding somewhere in the comic below. Can you see him? Look carefully...

If you think you've found Chef Jimmy, see if you're right and check out the bottom of the first page of Parakeets Ate My Condo for today's delicious recipe!

Popular Lusty Pun

2008-12-07T12:00:00.000-05:00

Prison Ham Gala

2008-12-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

Rehab Furniture

2008-12-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

Rechair Wheeltard

2008-12-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

CSX Marginalization

2008-12-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

Miniature Seaweed

2008-12-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

Plywood Factotum

2008-12-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

Teriyaki Basketball

2008-11-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

Applesauce Refinery

2008-11-29T12:00:00.001-05:00

Deputy Sandbar

2008-11-28T12:00:00.002-05:00

SMUD 2008 American Thanksgiving Extravaganza

2008-11-27T18:30:00.002-05:00

Dick Clark's hibatchi broke, so he decided to use a leaf blower to make Thanksgiving dinner instead. He even made a menu out of leaves. Nobody showed up, so he ate the menu and then went to McDonald's with Chet Atkins, who has been dead since 2001. Below is a replica of what Dick Clark's menu might have looked like before he ate it.

Terpsichore Light Bulb

2008-11-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

Squeeky Door Cafe

2008-11-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

216 Sponge Street

2008-11-24T13:05:00.000-05:00

48 Horse River Avenue

2008-11-23T07:00:00.000-05:00

Aunt Betty's Lugubrious Cat Remedies: Part 2

2008-11-22T10:00:00.000-05:00

Do your feet smell like tea? Buy your cat a new soccer ball!
Stale, musty odors in your kitchen? Maybe kitty needs a good dose of bean sprouts! If you don't have access to bean sprouts, store your cat in a glass jar when not in use.
Don't know what to do with all those old newspapers? Vigorously rub your cat with 60 grit sandpaper and immediately put it in the refrigerator for several hours, or until the police get there.
Tired of constantly having to replace the batteries in your remote controls? Tie a golf shoe around your cat's neck!
There's an easy way to deal with discolored grout in the bathroom. Bathe in your cat's litter box. Bring it along for the ride. It'll be fun!
Sick of Nostradamus always telling you what's going to happen next? Ask your cat for his opinion. He can't talk!

Connecticut Horse Marriage

2008-11-21T10:00:00.000-05:00

Cobalt Hairspray

2008-11-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

Prosciutto Hand-Me-Down

2008-11-19T14:00:00.000-05:00

Ersatz Centipede

2008-11-18T19:52:00.003-05:00

People Who Drink Paint Through a Straw Kind of Creep Me Out

2008-11-17T21:28:00.001-05:00

Turnips and Cognac

2008-11-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

Upside Down Elephant

2008-11-15T14:00:00.000-05:00

Don't Hand

2008-11-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

Deutsch Handlebars

2008-11-13T10:00:00.000-05:00

3 Angry Beavers

2008-11-12T19:44:00.005-05:00

Based on: Screwdriver Warning @ SMUD Lite

Lovely Beef Coronation

2008-11-11T00:00:00.001-05:00

Here are three sentences depicting facts that have the word 'asparagus' in bold face:

Macintosh computers have their advantages, such as being able to capture images of gnus eating asparagus.
Light sabers make shaving a lot easier, however you can chop your asparagus off if you're not careful.
Asparagus is pretty good. I like it. It has nothing to do with YouTube. Good.

Ruthenium Jones

2008-11-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

Aerosol Jurisdiction

2008-11-09T07:00:00.000-05:00

SMUD 2008 Presidential Election Extravaganza

2008-11-04T19:36:00.002-05:00

Aunt Betty's Lugubrious Cat Remedies

2008-11-01T20:38:00.001-04:00

Tired of incessant traffic congestion? Avoid it by setting a jar of homemade lard on top of your cat!
Check your cat's VIN to see if you find the number 8. If it's there, run to the grocery store for some more lentils, pronto!
Feeling drained and worn out? Try running a vacuum cleaner over your cat's cowper's gland for a few minutes. If that doesn't work, fire up the Hibachi!
Tired of all the clutter in your messy garage? Throw your cat away and get one with lighter colored fur!
Allergic to steel? Teach your cat the ancient art of glass blowing!
Does the sound of your neighbors shooting each other with high powered rifles keep you awake at night? Drill a nice hole to the Earth's core using a saber saw. Cut the bottom out of your cat's litter box and align it with the hole. Disguise the hole with leaves and pieces of tape covered bacon. Voila!

Lunatic Pants

2008-10-30T20:07:00.006-04:00

It's that time again. That's right! Get out your raspberry stapleguns, because we're going to play:

What Am I?

I'm 18 feet tall, green and covered in mayonnaise. What am I?
A reclining loveseat!

(Isn't this fun?)

I'm over 100 years old, popular with Swedish people and made out of silicone. What am I?
A walrus!

(You're doing great!)

I'm invisible, like knitting and playing the saxophone in my sleep. What am I?
A pair of salad tongs!

(OK, one more in memory of my deceased grandmother...)

I'm lactose intolerant, blue and caked with acrylic solar panels. What am I?
A Hindu auto mechanic!

Great job! You won! (I think...)

Molecular Sandwich

2008-10-25T00:00:00.000-04:00

Put a Piece of Tape On It!

2008-10-24T00:00:00.000-04:00

Sumptuous Hair Plugs

2008-10-23T00:00:00.001-04:00

Marzipan-Induced Toothache

2008-10-22T00:00:00.001-04:00

Trifling Fur Knob

2008-10-21T00:00:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow's Leader, Yesterday's Spumoni

2008-10-20T00:00:00.001-04:00

SMUD Lite

2008-10-19T11:00:00.004-04:00

We have launched a new feature at SMUD called SMUD Lite, which runs separately from SMUD, so it's not really at SMUD, but it's part of SMUD, but not really.

SMUD Lite will comprise of a collection of links and material from other sites that we enjoy. Also at SMUD Lite we will be feeding text links of SMUD via RSS over there. However, we will NOT be feeding the content of SMUD Lite to SMUD, in order to keep the original SMUD as organic and as free of wheat-germ particles as possible. Both feeds will be published through Twitter, and you can follow us on Twitter by clicking here.

At SMUD, we do our best to stay engaged in the trends of Web 2.0, thus making your browsing experience as satisfyingly complicated as possible. Enjoy! Oh, and before we forget. Here's a link to SMUD Lite. Click here.

Conjoined Basketballs

2008-10-18T09:34:00.000-04:00

Tax Breaks For The Needy

2008-10-17T00:00:00.001-04:00

Clawhammer Addiction

2008-10-16T20:02:00.001-04:00

Hi, I'm a platypus!

2008-10-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

CWG: A Big Favour

2008-09-30T08:37:00.001-04:00

Girl 1: "I was wondering, what are you doing on Saturday?"

Girl 2: "Nothing!"

Girl 1: "Great! Can you come over and help me move 300 bookshelves that weigh close to 800 pounds each, down 16 flights of stairs? We're starting at around 3:00am. Make sure you eat a big breakfast!"

God: "Stupid"

CWG: Paul Newman

2008-09-29T20:29:00.002-04:00

Guy: "Now that Paul Newman is dead, what's going to happen to all his sauces and stuff?"

God: "Stupid."

CWG: Car Parts

2008-09-16T20:33:00.003-04:00

Man: "I'd like you to put some new parts on my car, please."

Mechanic: "What kind of parts?"

Man: "Oh, I don't know."

God: "Stupid."

Honking Saliva Ferris Wheel

2008-09-14T08:23:00.001-04:00

Where are they now?

Gary Coleman, former mayor of the Walgreen's drug store chain, is now a part-time furniture cover and spokesmodel for Martha Stewart Deluxe Bathmats. He also enjoys chastising carp, collecting used trombones and leaning on the hoods of old Pontiacs.

One-time CDC chairman and father of 41, Jim Nabors is the founder of the Psychotic Friends Hotline, a web-based dating service for squirrels that enjoy playing backgammon under water. He is currently married to a pistachio tree, and a life-long resident of the WalMart parking lot in Long Island Sound.

Bob Vila is best known as the director of the 931 Club, a service for organizing teleconferences to unite people of dissimilar cultures who have nothing in common and encourages them to throw pieces of corrugated wax at one another. Since retiring, Bob now takes great pleasure in hitting things with a rubber mallet and having his hair cut into various animal shapes.

Retired world renown dancer/actress Sandy Duncan prefers to sleep in a plastic garbage bag on the sidewalk in front of her 2 bedroom condominium in Germany. She has been a pioneer in establishing legislation to force manufacturers to install child-proof safety locks on cartons of fat-free cottage cheese.

My advice? Don't fall in love with a bowl of dry cereal.

Havarti

2008-09-13T07:59:00.002-04:00

Lessons Learned at the Republican National Convention

2008-09-03T19:02:00.005-04:00

Now Not Playing Ever Again

2008-08-23T18:30:00.001-04:00

'Latex' Higgins and The Perforated Metallic Buttholes
Watch as Higgins & company strip down to their scivvies and jump into a vat of muriatic acid!

Anti-Christ Conveyor Belt
Climb aboard the jiggly, vacuum-enhanced express and be prepared to explain calculus. KoolAid by request only.

Big Pieces of Whale Feces featuring Evelyn Peacock
Licorice warning. No farting after 6PM.

17 Guys Named Stan
They all wear the same shirt and play the trombone, too. What. A. Treat.

Academy of Unfinished

2008-08-12T18:43:00.002-04:00

Are you tired of getting shards of glass? Do you have a degree in political?

Time to come and join the Academy of Unfinished!

I think we give too much of ourselves so its time to only complete 85%!

In partnership with the Academy of Doing Things Properly. I mean, Not!

In partnership with the Academy of NOT Doing Things Properly. Well the first time, at least!

Rathbone Snuffalupagus

2008-07-25T18:10:00.001-04:00

Clarence stood a mere 47" tall, but his thigh was as big as a surgeons scalpel and his eyes sharp as a refrigerator magnet.

Once, he ran down the sidewalk in front of his 17th avenue walk up. No one really noticed. He died as he lived - as carefully and aloof as a spring bonnet filled with sale tags from the Montgomery Ward store.

In September, Clarence had a random pen pal under his welcome mat whom he had sent a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle depicting his own face. The pen pal replied some time later that he found it strange that all the pieces of the puzzle where white. Clarence realized even then that his lungs were slowly filling up with those little rubber things that break off of brand new tires.

Collecting black mold spores and gluing them to individual strands of alpaca hair was his favorite pastime. It was really all he talked about. Particularly so when no one else was around.

When the alarm finally stopped making the horrible screeching noise, everyone immediately returned to not realizing Clarence even existed.

The important thing is for people to stop and realize how important bacon is to the commodities market in India.

John McCocaine + Barenaked Ladies = Jar-Oh-Calcium

2008-07-17T22:38:00.004-04:00

Dangling Pot Roast

2008-07-11T20:57:00.001-04:00

"Oddly enough, I haven't heard of any owls getting trapped in refrigerators on the side of the highway, but we'll be sure to include a widget for that in the next release."

~ Steve Jobs, on today's release of the iPhone to the Canadian market