Grandma's Foxy Wallet

One day, an old man was skiing through the mouse trap aisle in a local Kmart, when he came upon a large orange dumpster. Being curious, he dug around inside, and to his surprise, he found an empty tube of Chapstick brand freon expectorant! He quickly stuffed it into a vest pocket before anyone noticed. Boy, was he a lucky guy! He then finished his jaunt, slamming head-long into several Latvian people in the garden hose & Bactine section of the store before hurrying home to inspect his great find.

En route, he stopped at his bank no less than 11 times to pick up some crumpled pieces of aluminum foil to throw out of his car window. Finally arriving home, he drove his car through the back yard fence and into his neighbor's in-ground pool. The family dog, Steve, was mildly amused, but was probably only reminiscing about urinating or defecating on something or other.

The old man whispered to himself; "Is it WalMart?" He sat on his front porch for a long time, pondering the question -- mostly because he couldn't get into the house. His keys hadn't come back from the bus shelter factory yet.

Suddenly, he remembered his treasure! The Chapstick!! "Oh boy!" he thought, "My legs are all sweaty!" He pulled out the plastic tube, turning it over in his hands. It glinted seductively in the late afternoon sun. He rubbed it gently against his hiking boots. "I don't think I've ever had so much fun!" he thought to himself.

Next, he practiced placing the tube into and taking it out of his vest pocket, just to be sure he had the procedure down cold, in case he was espied by a jealous onlooker. "There..." he said to no one in particular, "now, I'm going to kill myself." He ambled out to his mailbox and smashed his head into it until he passed out -- the Chapstick rolling slowly into a nearby storm drain.

Uh oh! No more trips to the bakery!