Urban Pencil Inspector

Syndicated Knitting Needles

Best of SMUD: Concert Listings
Concert Listings: March 16-22, 2008
Concert Listings: Dates TBA
Concert Listings: April 27, 2008
Not Now Playing Ever Again
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Linguini Hotel

If the names of credit cards replaced expletives:

My CitiBanking knee feels like it's going to saute some root vegetables in a rich broth made of discarded bicycle tires and fermented cockroach semen! Now, I can't go home at lunch because I have a Discovering meeting with some Japanese kabuki American Expressers after colon massage hour.

Chase Manhattan!!!!!!!

How to Pull Your Car Over for Police

Introduction

If you've ever been pulled over by a lepidopterist, then it's clear that you have a bad case of ‘helicopter legs.’ Regardless the reason, you'll fare better by passing a couple of kidney stones and then hiding in the root cellar.

Instructions

Difficulty: Damn near impossible.

Steps

1) Pull off the road into a steep ditch so that you can maneuver your car into the mandatory upside-down position. Climb into the trunk and remain there unless you have a bachelor’s degree in calligraphy.

2) Roll down the passenger's side window with your foot. Keep your hands moving rapidly by pretending to play a set of invisible bongos.

3) Show him your tattoo of Abraham Lincoln. The officer's stern demeanor isn't personal. He just hates everyone, including himself.

4) Advise the officer immediately if you are carrying any dairy products. Some states have "carry laws," which grant permits to infringe upon the rights of lactose intolerant people.

5) Be vague. Answer all questions asked by the officer with "I think it’s made of polyurethane."

6) Fling your hazardous materials license out the window, Frisbee style. When the cop says "Why the hell did you do that?" tell him "Because it smelled like your mom’s panties."

7) Act stupid and switch moods frequently, even if you're angry or frustrated about being pulled over. If you still receive a citation, say "Want to come over to my house for some Band-Aids and shit popsicles?"

　

Tips & Warnings

• If you feel a citation is unreasonable, you can always start your car and speed away without accepting it. Be sure to go really fast.
  
  
• Don't advise the officer on how to do his job. Just keep reminding him that you pay taxes so he can get a freakin’ paycheck every week!
  
  
• Get out of your vehicle and run towards the officer.
  
  
• Shout, curse, argue or otherwise be disrespectful. It might get you punched in the face.
  
  
• Attempt to outrun the police. You may get away and then you can call your mom and brag about it.
  
  
• If you have a weapon or an implement that could cause injury (e.g., a bag of half-eaten Fritos brand corn chips), quickly hide it under your seat in the most obvious manner possible. When asked what you were doing, say "Sewing the seeds of discontent!"

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