How to use SMUD

It's been a while since we've consistently flooded your webspace with useless information. Here's a quick refresher on how best to enjoy SMUD:

a) unzip your pants and take out your ring balogna
b) pull back your fur coat to expose your doinker switch apparatus
c) take a bottle of pale cat urine in one hand and spray it liberally, all over your eyeballs
7) throw yourself into a basket of freshly laundered clothing
h) call someone you don't know and yell at them really loud!

What people are saying about SMUD:

"Great stuff! It smells like my grandmother's chest of drawers where she used to keep all of her candles that smelled like things that smell similar to SMUD."

It's great to be back...We're here all century!

Hamdy's Luxury Rickshaw Palace

SMUD is now a proud sponsor of Hamdy's Luxury Rickshaw Palace! Here are this week's tasty used specials!

Did You Bring The Magic Weasel Fluid?

It's been a while since we played Who Am I...shall we play? I'm a maggot. You win!

Who am I?

I smell like eagle feces and I have an old cellphone collection under my bed. Who am I?
Tina Fey

I'm dead.. no wait, I'm NOT dead, I like triangles and my hair is a different shape every 5 minutes. Who am I?
Benjamin Franklin

I have gold teeth, a bathrobe with a dead falcon embroidered on the back and I steal peanut butter from the grocery store. Who am I?
Johnny Carson

I harvest dandelions out of season, breathe coal dust through a copy of the Youngstown Gazette and live under a rusty wagon. Who am I?
If you guessed Shawn Desman, you'd be right if I only knew who that was, but it is actually William Shatner's wife Elizabeth

I'm a gay giraffe who owns a Quizno's franchise and drives a Volkswagen Scirocco. Who am I?
Shania Twain

I've exist only as an ink drawing, carry a microphone with a picture of a dishwasher on it everywhere and eat only foods that begin with the letter 8. Who am I?
Stephen Hawking

I know, I know, that last one was really tough, but if I had said 'runs a brothel' you would have guessed way too easily. Thanks for playing!

Grandma's Foxy Wallet

One day, an old man was skiing through the mouse trap aisle in a local Kmart, when he came upon a large orange dumpster. Being curious, he dug around inside, and to his surprise, he found an empty tube of Chapstick brand freon expectorant! He quickly stuffed it into a vest pocket before anyone noticed. Boy, was he a lucky guy! He then finished his jaunt, slamming head-long into several Latvian people in the garden hose & Bactine section of the store before hurrying home to inspect his great find.

En route, he stopped at his bank no less than 11 times to pick up some crumpled pieces of aluminum foil to throw out of his car window. Finally arriving home, he drove his car through the back yard fence and into his neighbor's in-ground pool. The family dog, Steve, was mildly amused, but was probably only reminiscing about urinating or defecating on something or other.

The old man whispered to himself; "Is it WalMart?" He sat on his front porch for a long time, pondering the question -- mostly because he couldn't get into the house. His keys hadn't come back from the bus shelter factory yet.

Suddenly, he remembered his treasure! The Chapstick!! "Oh boy!" he thought, "My legs are all sweaty!" He pulled out the plastic tube, turning it over in his hands. It glinted seductively in the late afternoon sun. He rubbed it gently against his hiking boots. "I don't think I've ever had so much fun!" he thought to himself.

Next, he practiced placing the tube into and taking it out of his vest pocket, just to be sure he had the procedure down cold, in case he was espied by a jealous onlooker. "There..." he said to no one in particular, "now, I'm going to kill myself." He ambled out to his mailbox and smashed his head into it until he passed out -- the Chapstick rolling slowly into a nearby storm drain.

Uh oh! No more trips to the bakery!

Ugly Advice Woman

Hi, I'm Ugly Advice Woman, and I'm here to answer your questions.

You might be wondering why I would allow myself to be referred to as, Ugly Advice Woman. Actually, I don't even exist. I am simply an intrinsic entity that exists inside every living being, including staplers and ham sandwiches.

How to Submit a Question

Go to http://formspring.me/uglyadvicewoman

You can also follow me on Twitter @uglyadvicewoman

You’re free to submit as many questions as you want, but please submit each question as a separate message. Also, please include nothing but the question in your message.

What will you answer questions about?

You can ask me any question you'd like. Since I don't exist, I know everything. Feel free to ask questions about: mayonnaise, conveyor belts, 1976, Haiti, vacuum cleaners, ear wax, gravy, golf shoes, Texas, ceramic heaters, people named Hector, schools for people with 33 legs, and so on.

There are some topics that you can safely assume I will not be able to talk about!

For example. I cannot answer questions regarding the secret to helium. However, if you yourself are an ugly woman, you probably already know what it is...

Just a few other things:

I will not email you if I answer your question. You must visit my formspring page to find out if your question has been answered. I receive over 3 million questions a day!

Please try to keep your question under 17 syllables.

Organic Lint Marathon

Urban Pencil Inspector